Exquisite torture
by Orlandoinabedsheet
Summary: Legolas reflects on the pain of his situation. A/L
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: JRR Tolkien owns Legolas, Aragorn and Arwen, I'm just toying with em.

Rated: PG

A/N: Stream of consciousness. Legolas reflects on his situation.

I want to run. To slip away. To answer the call of the sea. But I cannot. Not while you still draw breath. When you are gone and the exquisite torture has come to an end I shall leave. Until then I shall stay and answer your every call. But it is not easy Estel. To walk the halls and gardens of this palace avoiding her. Not that she wouldn't like to see me but it hurts to be reminded that you love her, not me. You could never love me. And though I tell you often you never believe that I love you. Not that way. But I do. You stole my heart long ago. I see you with her and I am happy for you even as I die inside. I do not begrudge her your love, or you hers, but it still pains me. 


	2. Little One

A/N: Not much longer I'm afraid.

ElvenPrincess-Gwenedh- Thank you about the name, nice mental image isn't it?

legolas' sweetie- Very glad you enjoyed it, and I do hope this meets with your approval.

On with the show

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A gull calls over the city as I teach your son to handle a bow. It tears my heart to hear the calling of the sea, it shall not be much longer, not in the scheme of time. I continue to feel the torture this life causes me. I kneel beside your young son as teach him to shoot and I feel my heart rend to look on him, for in him I see you Estel, certainly, but I see her as well. He looks on me as he often does when I loose myself in thought, as if I should break if he inquires indelicately. "Legolas? Why are you always so sad when you look upon me?" 

Clever child, so like his father. "I do not mean to little one, and I am sorry if it hurts you. You simply remind me of how much I have left by the wayside in this life." 

He takes my hand, "Nothing is ever truly forsaken unless you never seek it."

"But some things we wish to seek we have no right to. I will endeavor to see past my hurt when I look on you little one, you know I love you, but that which you remind me of can never be mine."

"I know, but that doesn't mean you are alone in wishing it," With that the prince, my little one though he is almost a man, ran back into the citadel and left me to sit under the tree and listen to the gull as I tried to think. What could my little one have meant by that? Does he know what I feel for his father? Does he give other meaning to my sadness? But then he descends the steps again dragging you along behind him Estel, and I'm sure now he knows for I can almost feel the light in my eyes when you are near and the hurt of Arwen is not. He asks you to watch him practice the craft I have taught him, and he seems again so young. You watch with pride and happiness in your eyes. He glances at me as if to remind you it is my industry that taught him such craft and you stride the scant distance to my side. "You have taught him well Legolas, and in more than just archery, he shall be a fine King if he follows the wisdom you have taught him."

"Nay Elessar, he will be a fine King because he is your son, and he has grown in your image, strong of mind and will as well as body, a healer as well as a warrior, fair and just above all."

"My true strength always lay in knowing who to trust Legolas, and Eldarion trusts you above all others, even myself," You tell me softly before calling to the little one again, "We must away to dinner Eldarion, please Legolas, join us, just this once."

My treacherous heart makes me nod and follow you, despite the hurt it shall cause to look upon you sitting at Arwen's side.


	3. Meddlesome child

She is surprised to see me. I don't blame her. I've avoided her since before Eldarion's birth. I kiss her hand, "Good evening, Lady Evenstar." 

She smiles at me, inviting me to sit at her side and I know not how to oblige her without showing my pain. And my little one came to my rescue once again. "Legolas and I were in the middle of a discussion Mother, would you mind terribly if he sat with me?"

She smiles indulgently, "Not at all Eldarion."

I move to sit next to him and whisper "Thank you little one."

You look over at me, had you heard? Yes, you give me an inquisitive look. 

I only smile at you as I sit beside the little one. He looks on me with a wisdom greater than his years again, "I fear we shall lose you to grief if you remain with us my friend."

"Nay little one, though I am sad I do not yet grieve." His eyes tell me he knows I'm lying but he holds his tongue. I _have_ taught the little one a few important things, one of which is choosing his battles. 

"Will you ride with us after dinner my friend?" I glance at you Estel, and then at Arawen hesitantly. The little one sees my hesitation, "Just Father and I, Mother won't ride at night."

"You're up to something little one, and you know I will find out what it is."

"You always do my friend." He turns to you with a smile, "Would you and Legolas teach me how to track tonight during our ride Father?"

"Tracking can take years to learn Eldarion," You warn him.

"I have to start sometime," That's my little one, so head strong, so like you. 


	4. Hope returning

I sit on my horse beside the little one, listening to the coming of night in this city on the hill. The soft whisper of wind among the buildings, the movement of people. No sounds of nature. This is no place for an elf. I remain here, comfortable and cared for certainly, but not home. Never home. And I shall never come home again. The last time I was able to go home was the night of Eldarion's birth, you embraced me in your excitement. A simple touch and it meant so much to me. And so little to you. 

Sensing my thoughts have wandered off again the little one grabs my hand, tracing the small scar with his thumb inadvertently, he doesn't even know it's there. But you do Estel, you gave it to me, when you were little older than Eldarion is now. 

"I'm sorry my friend," He says softly withdrawing his hand.

"Don't be little one, I was flinching at the memory of a scar you touched, given to me by your father, quiet a feat I assure you," I offer him softly.

You smile, having heard the exchange, "You were distracted Legolas, it was a simple enough thing to take advantage of."

Ah yes, but distracting me was a rather surprising ability of yours, at least at the time it was surprising. "It was a very skilled blow, otherwise I could have easily avoided it, even distracted Estel."

You smile at me oddly, when I give you a questioning glance you smile at me, "You have not called me Estel in many years, I'd missed it."

I see something in your eyes that ignites a flame long extinguished in my soul- hope. But what right have I to hope? For me to have hope Arwen must be betrayed, I cannot allow that, she has given you that which I never could, and yet I fear I shall just the same, she has given her immortality for you.

As you ride away from us the little one places a hand over my own, "You betray both of you by wishing the truth isn't so, it may hurt one to admit the truth but it hurts us all to hide it."

I look on him with new sight, "You are young Eldarion, even by your father's estimation, a mere fifteen years behind you, and you do not yet realize that the hurt I endure is necessary. I cannot betray the Evenstar, or your father, by speaking the truth."

"It is foolish of you to think that the truth would betray my father," the little tells me earnestly before riding after you at top speed. I cannot fathom what he means but I follow and ponder what harm comes of silence.


	5. His Name?

legolas' sweetie- glad you're still hanging about, hope you like this part. 

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How I found myself clinging to you as we ride through the trees I may never know. One moment I was running through the wood to give the little one a trail to follow, the next you were before me on your horse with your hand stretched out for me to grasp. Blindly following your will and my heart I took your hand and let you pull me onto the horse behind you. Now you're riding recklessly fast and I'm holding you with all my might. We ride across a small stream, into a clearing and suddenly the horse slows down. I loosen my grip on you, I know holding you is dangerous. You slip off and I follow. You drop down in the soft grass, "Give him some time to try and find us."

"Quite a first lesson," I comment as I sit beside you. 

"Eldarion is a clever child, he'll find us, I'm sure of it."

A bit too clever at times, suggesting that I take the first turn at being tracked. He knows your love of the chase, he knew we would end up alone together. 

"What grieves you so Legolas?" Oh Estel, please don't ask me that! Eldarion has weakened my resolve to stay silent.

I give you a sad smile and try to give you half the truth. "I've been reminded of what I've given up often of late."

A light wind rises sweeping my hair towards you. You catch one of the braids just shy of hitting you in the face and start absently loosening it. That is distracting. "What have you given up?" You ask softly.

"Nothing, everything," perhaps being vague will be enough.

You laugh ruefully, "I know that trick Legolas. If you do not wish to tell me please just say so."

Oh but I do wish to tell you Estel, I wish to tell you so much it hurts. I want to confess my treachery, give up my burden, tell you I love you once and for all and slip away in disgrace. Disgrace I could live with, this pain is killing me. Perhaps the little one is right, perhaps if I tell you the truth no one else ever has to know. 

But you've been giving me hope of late, how can I tell you the truth knowing you might love me in return? How could I do that to the Evenstar? But if you do love me how can I continue to torture myself, lie to you, and hurt Eldarion? 

"Will you tell me Legolas?" I shiver and you move closer to me as if to keep me warm. "What is it that the youngest prince of Mirkwood has given up?"

"That which I never had," I venture carelessly. "Something I have no right to desire, and yet I ache to know it shall never come to me."

"Don't you mean they my friend?"

I'm sure you've caught me now but I have to attempt to keep control over the situation, "What makes you say that Estel?"

"The far off looks, the soft sighs, if you are not in love you are bored in Minas Trinth, and were that the case you'd simply leave." I shiver again and you move even closer, our shoulders touching. "So who is it that has stolen the heart of the most beautiful gem in my kingdom?"

"It was given freely, not stolen. My love is no thief, or at least I have never known him to be."

"Perhaps I would know, if you were to tell me his name."

"I would not know which name to give you, he has so many."

"By which do you call him?"

"Estel," I say it so softly that were I with any besides you I would venture to say I had not been heard, but I know you did. 

I can hear your heart beat speed up as you lean closer, your lips practically touching my ear, "And what makes you think you do not have his heart?"

"Another possesses it," I breath softly, letting you hear my heartbreak.

"Nay-" But you are cut off as Eldarion emerges into the clearing, a triumphant smile on his lips.

"Have I done well?" The little one asks.

"Indeed you have, very well indeed," You tell him as you stand. You lean down to me to help me up, "We shall discuss this later, when we can be properly alone."


	6. Your Beloved?

Ithildin- Sorry for the wait.

Grath Longflech- More is here.

Phantom Ranger Fay- Sorry for the teasing.

Fuschia- thanks for the lovely praise, hope you enjoy this bit as well.

Tiger- I'm making it up to him I promise. Love you honey, read the new one ;).

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I spent two hours with the little one after we returned to the palace. We walked the walks of the city as always. I spoke softly in elvish and he translated into the common tongue. That Arwen never taught him still surprises me. That you never did is a shock. I remember the freedom you felt in the lilting tones of elvish. There was a time you refused to speak to me in any other language.

As the moon reaches it's peak in the sky you come to me, beneath the white tree once again. "Why do you believe you do not have my heart Legolas?"

"Because Arwen possesses it," My voice is far less melancholy this time.

"Nay, Arwen never possessed my heart," You answer as your fingers brush against my throat.

"But she gave up her immortality for you, how could you allow that if you did not love her?"

"I do love her, though it is as I would love a sister. But she did not give up her immortality for me. She gave it for her people. To complete the destiny foreseen for her by Galadriel. We both did what was expected of us and then agreed that we would allow each other to pursue our own paths in private."

"You bound yourself to someone you did not love?" I am too astonished to ask anything else.

"We both did," Your voice implores me to believe you.

I do not doubt you. I never have. "And what path have you pursued Estel?" 

"Idleness. I have refused to seek comfort until I saw my beloved happy. While I waited I have forgotten my own heart and concentrated my attention on my son."

"Your beloved?" I hold my breath as the question stretches between us like a large prey animal. 

"He who stole my heart when I was but a boy, no older than Eldarion is now." For the first time in the many years I have known you I sense fear in your bearing and stance. "I've never spoken of my feelings for him... Though Eldarion has often asked me."

"Will you speak to me of him?" I know the question may seal my fate forever but I cannot leave it unasked.

"What would you have me tell you about yourself?" You smile at me unsurely.

I cannot help myself, I gape at you in shock, "Myself?"

You laugh, "If I must I will describe 'him' in a less familiar manner. He is a Sylvan Elf of exceptional beauty and grace, even for one of his people. He showed interest in me despite the fact that I was a mere man and yet he supported me when I learned that I had a greater destiny to fulfill."

I continue to stare at you in shock.

"You wish to hear more? He is a warrior of great skill and a teacher of exceptional talent. In the midst of the death and despair of battle he shines as a ray of sunlight. My son adores him, for a time I feared too much, but now I see that is not so. But alas he seems to believe I love another, though I cannot fathom why as I have told him how I feel."

I regain a bit of my composure, managing to shift my eyes to my own hands for a second. "I believe you mean what you say Estel. I am shocked to learn that you did not know I loved you from our first meeting. And to discover you did not marry for love, but it seems I have over estimated my own powers of observation."

Before I can babble more nonsense at you I feel your lips descend over my own and I forget everything that I assumed up to now. The heat of your kiss is at once both everything I need and not enough. A whole new form of torture for my heart but I welcome it with all my being for it is the beginning of everything I have dreamed of these long years.

The gull who has haunted the city all day calls again and I find the call of the sea no longer sounds within my heart. Another sounds reaches my ears though that pulls me reluctantly from your lips. "It seems we have an audience," I whisper against your lips and feel you shiver, though not with cold I'm sure.

"I have never before had the urge to raise a hand to the boy, but I think perhaps now is the time to teach him to do as he's told," You grumble softly.

I smiles at you, "Forgive the little one Estel he has put forth a great deal of effort to see us kissing beneath the moonlight. It seems to me that the proper course of action is obvious."

I hear you make a sound I can only describe as purring, "And what is that Legolas?" 

"For you and I to find some place more private, hidden from any prying eyes. If the little one can see us others can as well." Holding your hand tightly in my own I lead you toward the Citadel. 

Once we are inside you take the lead, "My chambers are more private than yours melda." We are a few doors away from your room when you stop dead in your tracks. "I told you to go to bed an hour ago Eldarion." I stiffle a laugh and give the little one a look to warn him not to test you.

"I just wanted to say goodnight father. To both of you," The little one offers with a smirk.

"Goodnight son, now run along," You tell him tersely. 

"Goodnight little one," I offer more kindly.

"Goodnight my friend," He answers before walking away slowly.


	7. A wife's words

I can feel your eyes watching me as I sit high in the white tree, hidden by both clothing and daylight. I check once more where the little one is and raise my gaze to you standing on the balcony a dozen feet above my perch. Our eyes meet and my skin is alive with memory and anticipation. But you break the link of our shared gaze and turn for a moment to the chamber behind you. You smile as Arwen comes to stand beside you. I slide a bit toward the trunk of the tree and she seems not to see me. 

"Good day Elessar. One of the serving women has told me in confidence that you were not alone in your bed when she came to leave fresh bath water. Have you at last found a path that suits you?" There is laughter in her voice. 

"Aye. Or rather our son has pointed me down one," You tell her looking back down at me. 

"The fair Prince returns your affections then?" She asks you grinning knowingly. 

You seem surprised, "You knew who it was I was waiting for?"

"You forget Elessar, I have always seen the way you look on him. Was it he that was in your bed?" She pushes slightly as she surveys the city below.

"Yes. And if I am to be granted my dearest wish it will be his bed to occupy as long as I draw breath," Your eyes meet mine again though I thought you couldn't see me. 

There is a rustling below me and I drop my eyes to watch the little one climbing toward me. 

"I am glad you have found happiness, both of you. And I am certain that the little one is delighted as well," Arwen tells you.

"Thank you Arwen," You murmur softly.

I hear her light footsteps retreat as the little one gets near. "There you are!" He cries excitedly as he reached the branch I'm hidden on. 

"Very well done little one," I tell him smiling as I start to climb the remaining distance to the balcony you stand on. He follows. 

You reach out your hand to help me onto the balcony and smile, "You heard?"

I chuckle, "Of course I heard. But obviously I have estranged myself from Arwen for too long, as she kept calling me the fair prince."


	8. All Together Again

"Father? Legolas?" The little one calls to us, as he rides toward the garden below the walls of the city, a place I have grown to love above many I have know even in this few days. It is small and in many ways artificial but it is a part of our relationship, and that is enough to make up for any lack of scope or natural occurrence. 

"What is it Eldarion?" You call, not with annoyance but curiosity.

"Mother has asked that you come in for dinner, she fears you are missing meals in your zeal for your new happiness," Eldarion calls amused as he allows his horse to slow.

"Join us melda?" You ask it as you have these many years, as though it's an apology, but the sight of Arwen no longer pains me.

"As you wish Estel," I help you to your feet and we collect our horses. 

Upon our arrival in the hall Arwen gets up and comes to the door, "Ah, the fair prince meets my gaze at last," She offers chuckling.

"I no longer believe I am guilty of a crime against you my lady," I kiss her hand as I had a few days prior, "save that of distancing myself from an old and dear friend."

"Well that you can remedy my friend," She says smiling.

"And I shall, once I have finished making up for lost time else where..."

"It is my under standing that you'll be here for some time my friend, so there is no rush," She assures me, "Now would you sit with us tonight?" She gestures to a chair between her own and yours.

"As you wish milady."

~Fin~

I think that's it folks, one happy family and all. 


End file.
